The following are actual requests received by UK local council departments:

• I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob
• I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage
• ...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence
• I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off
• I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall
• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant
• We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house
• I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
• ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared
• Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
• Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly
• I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me
• The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous
• Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it
• I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night
• Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife
• This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2
• My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it
• ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore
• It's his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

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